So... I am feeling like the lowest of the low at the moment... I have been with my husband for over 5 years now, we have been married for 3 of those years. When we got together we were both coming out of bad relationships, we'd both been hurt by cheaters... We promised each other, as I'm sure most new couples do, that we'd never cheat... My husband is wonderful, loving and devoted. He is so much more romantic and thoughtful than I could ever be... Maybe that's why I feel so terrible...

For starters, shortly before we were married I had 'relations' with a young man that I worked with. This boy and I did not have sex, according to the standard definition. In fact, it was a completely one sided relationship. I gave him oral and that was it... It all began with some mild flirting and then a bet, or dare concerning a talent of mine when performing oral sex... This boy happened to need a ride home from work a couple of times and well, one thing lead to another... Again, this was before my husband and I were married...

So, it's been over 3 years since the couple of incidents with the boy from work, my husband and I are pretty happily married... We've recently started trying to have children and it's not been easy, I have some medical issues that are making conception very difficult... So there has been a bit of stress on that point. He is still doting and affectionate, he's actually over affectionate... He always seems to want to have sex, and I mean ALWAYS... He's constantly hinting at sexual things or groping me any time we're in the same room... It's a bit annoying, and we've fought over it a few times... He says he just wants things to be like they were when we first got together... I've tried explaining that it's unfortunate but it's not the same after 5 years... He can't expect me to jump his bones every second of every day... Sex is not the most important thing in my life... Also, I know I'm not 'old' but I'm not 20 anymore either...

Anyway, this is where I start to feel like the biggest f-ing hypocrite in the world... There is a very cute guy that has recently started working in my office part time... He's one of those guys that is super nice and flirts without being harassing... Mid last week, he and I happened to be craving the same thing for lunch, and I knew a great place, so we went together... We talked like new friends, getting to know each other, swapping war stories... The following Friday was bad weather and most of the city stayed home from work, he had texted me to see if I was going to work or not. I told him no, he said he wasn't either and we continued to text the whole weekend... Of course as the long weekend wore on, the texts got a bit more pointed... We started discussing sexual history, likes and dislikes, etc... He wanted me to send him a picture, so I sent him one of me in my usual sleepwear, a tank top and boxer shorts, then a close up of the top... He apparently liked the pics because he sent me one of himself, his was a bit more explicit and of a lower part of his anatomy... I should have stopped right there, but I was extremely turned on... So, we made arrangements to meet one day after work. As luck would have it, my husband had just started working a later shift, giving us about an hour of alone time...

The first time we were alone (at his place of course) it was mostly kissing, until he brought up an oral talent I had eluded to in the texts... So I gave him oral... (For some reason, giving doesn't seem as much like cheating as receiving does, I'd love to know why...) The whole process just excited me more, so we met after work again the next day... The second time was much more involved... It was honestly some of the best sex I've ever had... He was a bit displeased at how quick it was because he hadn't been with anyone in a while... I thought 40 minutes was perfect due to our hour time constraint, and we talked for the other 20 minutes... During this 'talk' is when he expressed his disappointment in himself and said the next time would be better... Indicating to me that there would be a 'next time'...

The next day at work he said he was not feeling well and that we should post pone our meeting because he didn't want to get me sick... I bought that because I really can't afford to get sick and miss work... We exchanged a few texts throughout the day, planning our next meeting... I told him that today would be great because my husband would be a work function until late... He seemed enthusiastic about the extra time together... He was not in the office today and trying not to be pushy on his day off, I waited until just before lunch time today to text him and ask if he was feeling better, I got no reply... I sent another text a couple hours later saying that I was bored and asking him what he was doing with his day off... I finally got a reply just before I left work saying that he was sorry, he'd been spending the day with his kid, which I think is great. He then says that he'll text me after he takes the kid back to his mother... That was @ 4:30 PM CST... It is now 10:00 PM... No word...

What kills me, the reason I feel like the worst person in the entire universe, is that I am so incredibly hurt by this blow off... I should not care... But I do, and it's killing me... I don't know if it's just that my self esteem has plummeted, or if it's just my conscience kicking in... I don't even know if I'll come back to read any responses that may get posted here... Maybe I just needed to get this out of my head... Thanks for reading my ranting...